A relationship involves two people. They may or may not have similar beliefs, opinions, attitudes, thoughts, values, lifestyles, or problem-solving methods. However, it is critical to express, actively listen, process, and appreciate each other’s perspectives.

When you are having trouble yet have different approaches to dealing with it, you may get into an argument. Both of you may end up hurting more as a result of the situation and the disputes around it. You’re both disappointed and frustrated that you’re not making any progress. Sitting in a mess and feeling helpless can be unpleasant. You may believe that your partner does not understand you or does not make an effort to do so. You may find yourself feeling more anxious if the environment at home stays heavy. It drains the positive energy and happiness. What can be done to handle it in a different way, while still showing respect and care?

Let’s say for example, that you and your partner are in a financial crisis; your mortgage is up for renewal, and interest rates have risen. You want to save more money, while your partner wants to focus on earning more money.

There are several factors to consider:

1. Does your partner’s method of dealing with this situation harm or hurt anything?
2. Are you talking and making an effort to comprehend the other person’s point of view, rather than simply arguing and proving your own?
3. Are you expressing your point of view using rationale or emotions?
4. Have you considered your partner’s attachment style?
5. Are you concentrating on the problem and problem solving?
6. Are you both creating a space in which you can both talk and express?

In my experience as a couples therapist, the most common thing I see is a couple that fails to focus on the core and foundation.

In the example above, both are concerned with money, but they are using different “binoculars” to view the problem, so what should be done?

Finding a middle ground is a critical process. But how do we find a medium ground? Clients will share, “My partner simply does not listen.” You answered your question; a lack of listening skill disrupts the communication process.

• First and foremost, make sure you’re both in the correct headspace while discussing. Consider remaining open-minded and attentive of your partner’s emotions.
• Remember to examine your partner’s attachment style, as it reflects how you deal with issues.
• Discuss your points of view, including the rationales and emotions that are attached.
• Accept that you both have unique personalities and backgrounds. Your perspectives may differ, but the idea is to focus on the challenge and problem solving.
• Remember to validate your partner, even if your beliefs differ. Then offer your opinion.
• Maintain attention on the problem and seek a middle ground to reach a resolution. If you are unable to reach an agreement after all discussions, keep an open mind and accept each other’s points of view.
• Provide compassionate validation for your partner’s emotions. This will allow you to approach situations differently while remaining respectful.
• Consider obtaining help from a professional who will offer you an open and safe space without judgment. Couples counseling can help you identify problematic patterns and replace them with positive and healthy ones. Couples counseling might help you find a middle ground and accept opposing viewpoints graciously.

This article was written by Registered Social Worker, Tanvi Dave. Tanvi provides support to couples as they navigate challenges within their relationship. For more information about Tanvi and if she can help you, reach out to us at 519.751.0728 or email pathwaystohopebrant@gmail.com.